Change

Change - a variation or deviation; transform

I've changed.
I've deviated.
I've transformed.

I let a dog sleep in my living room!

I just lost a blessing with that statement....

How?

The dog I'm speaking of isn't the four-legged kind. It's the one that comes in the form of two legs. Yup, I let one sleep in my living room for three days. I did it without fuss or confrontation. I let this dog lie for one reason. My son. This two legged human, God's creation, dogged me at one point. For the past seven years, I've felt like he has dogged my son.

Nothing is constant in the world, but change. That's a famous saying. So, I thought give a dog a chance. Some people change. Sometimes one person has to change to present a change in another. So, I changed.

My son's birthday was last week and the sperm donor, also known as, dog or my son's father came for a visit....

I use the word father last and cautiously as it doesn't apply to a human who doesn't carry out the role. I use it as proper terminology in that this person fathered a child - he helped create and bring a child into this world.

The visit started off smoothly. I prepared my son with pictures and verbal reminders of times with his father as an introduction him as he had no clue exactly who his father was. After all, it's been three years since he has seen him. Children in their toddler to elementary years often forget people they don't see regularly.

My son was excited to meet this human. It was a person whom resembled him. A person with a name. A person he thought that he never had - a Daddy. My son held on to that word Daddy for a few days. It was nice to see him happy. To get him this type of happiness, I had to change.

I had to remain calm, emotionless, and quiet for three days. I did it! Not one argument. Not one sarcastic remark. Nothing. Of course there was no love you...miss you...wish we could be back together either.

To give you a few hard facts of how I've changed, check out these examples of half-way conversations.

Sidebar: The arrangement alone speaks volumes. I allowed him to stay in my home. I remained in my bedroom and only ventured out to eat or leave the house. Who does that? Who allows that to take place? I did. I did it for my son because I knew he would love nothing more than to have this person in his home and environment.

Conversation 1:

Me: I'm going to church on Sunday. You don't need to go. You can stay home and babysit.
Him: ....to my son... Do you go to church? Why?
My son: Yes, because my Mommy makes me.
Him: Is that right?
The response that I should have interjected...the thought that I was thinking was this... My son and I go to church because the church and my faith is all that I had when my husband decided not to be there for his family. We go to church because we have faith in something higher than human. We go to church because the church has been and is there at all times - no matter what.
See people, I've changed! I could have let him have it right there, but I didn't. I refrained. A few years ago, I would have lit into his tale. That right there would have ended the bliss that my son was in for those few days.

Conversation 2:
Him: You know living in the country you don't have many restaurants to choose from. Living in a city, you can find a little spot that you can eat under $10.
Me: Uhm uh, is that right?
The response that I should have said...the one that I was thinking...Hell yeah, I could eat as one person under $10 anywhere in a city or a country. However I have to pay for two people to eat all the time. Therefore there is no place anywhere in the USA where two people can have a full meal for $10. Of course you wouldn't know anything about that because you eat for one everyday. You have no clue what it is like to have two people or a child to feed each meal.

Change! Change people! Do you hear me?!

Conversation 3:
My son: I want my Mommy to be happy and married. Are you two going to get back together and get married?
Him: Yeah, your Mommy is a very nice person. I still love your Mommy.
Me: In my room laughing and waiting..... Thinking he is full of it and that he never answered the question. What I wanted to hear was this person to explain the situation. What I could have gotten up to interject is that NO, son we will not be getting back together. Your daddy has lied is way out of a family. He has dogged us far too long to turn back.

Change!

God blessed me those three days. I remained as silent as someone who has lost the blessing of speech. I was doing the number one rule in communication...listening! Sometimes the best thing to say to someone is nothing at all. That is exactly what I did. I'm out of words in this situation. All I can do is answer my son's questions as they come. I'm not here to spoil his joy and ruin these infrequent trips by his father.

I am however left with a son who must realize one thing...anything and everything he wants to do, he can do it with or without a Daddy! He told me today that he needed his Daddy to fold a blanket. My response was...You folded that blanket alone before you knew you had a Daddy, right? His response was, yes. With that said, he folded that blanket perfectly. At this young age of seven, my son must learn independence. While it's a hard lesson for a young child, it's reality.

Change.

My son always said that he didn't have a Daddy. Now there is a change and he knows that he has one. I fostered that realization by changing myself in order to give him a moment of happiness.

What do you need to change?
Who do you need to change for?
How will that change help?

Try it!

Change in any aspect can be an enlightening moment! I'm so proud of myself for removing my smart tale mouth and emotions in order to see if other things can change for my son. Only time will tell if my change made a difference. However if it didn't, it is nice to know that I can change something about myself.

Truth

A true or actual state of a matter.
A fact or reality.
A verified or indisputable fact.
Actuality or actual existence.

Really....

Recently a friend of mine. Yes, a friend of mine and not me...
Recently a friend of mine found out a few pieces of info relating to the guy she has been dating. We've discussed what the different possibilities are to situations that have recently taken place. Neither of us know the truth. The man at the moment physically can't communicate. Lucky him. So she has to wait to find out the truth to ease her mind. In the meantime she is stuck with uncertain information and many scenarios.

Uncertainty is always the hardest! Uncertainty is harder than hearing the truth.

Many people will say that people don't want to hear the truth. The truth is hard to handle. In many instances the truth is presented to us, but we fail to see or hear it. Many of us are living lives full of uncertainties. Is that okay? Don't we all just want to know the truth?

What is the truth?

In my friend's case I say that no matter what truth that this man has to share with her...the truth is that she must stretch her wings a little in the dating arena. In this case, his truth is not necessary. The facts and events themselves speak volumes. While she nor I know the truth of all the information and how it relates to her guy can't be revealed - that's okay. Well, it's okay with me as her friend. Somehow I think that it's not sitting well with her. I do believe she wants to know his truth. That's life though. Sometimes we are okay with our own truth. Her truth, her indisputable fact is that she is waiting to find out her man's truth in order to make up her mind.

How important is the truth?

What I've learned is that the truth is very important regardless of how it makes me or anyone feel. My only problem with some people and the truth is that everyone has their own opinion of the truth instead of what's an indisputable fact.

To my friend, I've made my point about the indisputable fact that she will start dating again. The indisputable fact is that she is my friend and I will forever consider her truth, my truth and the indisputable facts!

Tired

Tired can be defined as weary or bored. For a while now I've felt this way. Forgive me now for I'm not about to be the brightest sunshine in your life.

I'm so freakin' tired!
So freakin' weary!
I'm bored as hell!

I'm so freakin' tired of doing everything
So freakin' weary of trying
I'm bored by living here

I'm so freakin' tired of watching life pass me by
So freakin' weary
I'm bored

I'm just tired
Getting more weary by the day with no friends to live, love, and laugh
I'm so bored

I'm tired of being the only parent
My body is getting weary
I'm bored by constantly working on ways to improve my life

I'm tired, tired, tired
So weary by trying to stay positive
I'm bored

Ain't nothing changing...I'm so tired
I'm praying, but I'm still getting weary
I'm bored

I'm so flippin tired!

How about you? Do you know how I feel?

I have no message in this. My son hasn't given me any bright ways to look at the situation. What the heck am I to do now? I can't muster up a nice present with a bow on it for you this time. I promise next time it will be positive.

A book, list, letter, journal

A book, list, letter or journal

As adults we use these things to help us get through life. We plan with lists and letters to ourselves. Journals help us keep a daily record of our progress or regress. The books tell us how to do.

Today two things happened. I opened up a letter that I had written 10 years ago and then I read a couple bedtime stories to my son.

The letter I opened was short. It wasn't too positive. I can tell what mood I was in. Anger. Frustration. In the midst of that unnecessary upset mood, I found a way to get to a positive point. There were some expectations I had for myself that I didn't live up to. As humans do, I questioned myself. Why? What was it that kept me from reaching those goals? It is a little upsetting to know that I had greater plans for myself and have yet to achieve all that greatness.

Soon after reading that letter, I read two popular children books to my son. Both of them carried the message about how we will travel down different paths throughout life. The paths we go on are paved by our decisions. As we go down our individual paths things will get tough, dark, scary lonely, fun, exciting, and ever changing. The moral of both stories was that through it all, one can still succeed and/or be all they ever want to be.

Ironic that I read these children's books on the same day as I read my letter. I'm well aware that life can throw some hard balls and all things can be overcome. It's nothing like a fresh reminder. No matter what book, list, letter or journal you have you must know that all things can still be done. A fresh reminder is always good!

Don't give up. There are places to go. There are things to do.

Lesson

Lesson - A useful piece of practical wisdom acquired by experience or study.

Often times we learn lessons in life when we least expect it. Sometimes we use books to learn while most often we learn by living. During a conversation with a friend, we reflected on what our parents taught us about dating. We recalled if it was something they said to us or showed us as children.

My friend said his mother nor his father shared much about dating tips. However his father showed him by his actions that hitting a woman is detrimental. Therefore my friend in his dating knows for sure that if there is nothing else you do right in your relationship, you never raise your hand to a woman. He watched his mother suffer and has chosen not to carry on that part of his father's legacy.

I shared almost the same advice from my parents - almost absent advice. However there are instances in which I have spoken to my parents about my dating experiences, as well as, my friends' experiences. During one conversation, my father made sure to point out that a woman should never attempt to force a man to marry them. If and when a man is ready to marry, let him come to you, were his words. My mother said don't try to make a man a man. If he isn't already a man when he comes to you then he is of no use. Don't buy into the hype of molding a man. Words are powerful, but examples are even more powerful.

As my friend and I continued to talk, we agreed that while our parents shared little with us, their lives spoke much louder. He said while his father was abusive at times, he always made sure to be the provider of the family. There was without a doubt the notion that a woman should be relieved of stresses about money. I followed in favor with the representation of my father and grandfather. As a child, my grandfather was the world to me. He was a community man - worked to help others. At a very young age, he taught me to stand up for myself. My dad, he showed me that working hard pays off. While there were many times I remained angry or resentful toward my father for various reason, he still managed to show me what a man is capable of. My entire life, both of the male figures in my life worked and worked hard. My friend and I grew up in two different environments, yet came from them with similar lessons.

My friend and I laugh as we continue to converse about this.

What we determined at the end of this conversation is that if we live by the lessons taught or experienced, we are destined for greatness in relationships. Funny thing is our conversation alone is a life lesson. He and I grew up in the same country town and have never had a full conversation until now - 33 years later. We laugh at our impromptu conversations. We've passed each other for years with judgments of each other's character only to learn that we are something entirely different from our judgments. Lessons come from such unforeseen people and places.

My two hopes about lessons are that they continue to be made clear in my life and that my son find lessons just as I did. He is less fortunate than I by not having a vast amount of role models. While there are some, they stretch across the states only to appear during certain times of the year. As I reflect on my conversation with my friend, there is certainly hope for my son as people are certain to come into his life when he least expect it.

Learn the Lesson and Live It!

Woman

There is no way that any dictionary will define this word like me.

Woman

Maya
Michelle
Maw Maw
Ma
Mommy

Strong
Soulful
Sharing
Sexy

Grandmother
Grammy
Grandmaw
Girlfriend

Georgeous
Great
Grand
Giving
Goal Oriented

Terry
Tiffany
Toshia
Tamara

Powerful
Peaceful
Plentiful

During observation of women...not just one day, but throughout life. Women are such outstanding beings. The sacrifices. The tears. The child bearing. The recovery from all things. Woman. Women...just such wonderful beings. I just felt like someone needed that reminder.

Happy, Part II

Happy. After much thought about a simple word, I've come to the conclusion that this isn't a word to be defined. If you do slight research, read a book, read the Bible, read the dictionary, or talk to people, the definition defers. There is no true definition to this word. It is what it is to each and every person. Therefore it's another top word on my list. I like those things that have no box to fit in. So, this is my little finale to the word happy. (This is in no way directly my thoughts, just what it means to be happy in general.)

Happy
I got a man
I got food
I got a job
wait, wait, happy I got a good man, a good job, and good food.
Happy
I've been saved
I got Jesus
I got peace
Happy
I got a drank
I got some stuff
Happy
I have understanding
I have love
I have joy
Happy
I'm not content
I'm not angry
I'm not sad
Happy
I have breath
I have beliefs
I have morals
However you find happiness, let it be. There are so many different forms of happiness in life. Find happiness in your relationship, school, home, or church. Only you can individually define what it means to be happy in all of them. If you are a Christian, the Bible guides you. If you are a scientist, maybe the dictionary guides you. Whatever guide you are using, know that the true definition of happy is within.

HAPPY, Part I

Happiness can be defined as ranging from contentment to intense joy. Happy is being delighted, pleased, favored by fortune, or having pleasure.

It's such a simple word - Happy. If you say it enough times, you may actually start feeling that way...uhm or maybe not. I just heard that a young boy my son's age was decapitated by someone. I guess I need to just say that I'm happy that I have life. Read a memoir recently, the woman and her friends were addicted to every drug imaginable. They were happy with it at the time. Happiness. A time to be joyful. It doesn't mean in a good state of being. It just means that you are content with life at that point. Well, if that be the case then, the fact that I'm healthy and have life, I should be happy. However, I'm not content with my life as it is now. So, what does that make me...does it really make me unhappy? Maybe it just makes me not happy, but not sad either. I'm just not content. What about you? If you are content, then run out and get your "I'm Happy" t-shirt. If not, then get you get a shirt that says "I'm NOT content" with a smiley face on it. That way people know that while I'm not content with where I am not doesn't truly make me an unhappy and cynical person.

From now on, if someone ask me how I'm doing...what do I say? I truly don't know. I'm not happy that's for sure. So, I guess that I can say "oh, I'm fine, just not content." People don't listen to the answer to that question anyway. Whatever I say, no one would really hear it.

When I was given this word, I had plans on digging into this word, Happy. I wanted to dig into what it means to be happy in a relationship, career, home, and life in general. I'm still meditating on this word, Happy. It's worth a more detailed writing. I'm going to compare it to a few other words and get back to you on this one. So, as many pastors do, this is part one of my "sermon". See you next time. Hopefully not a month from now.

Expectation vs Faith

Expect. Expectation. Expecting. Expected. To look forward to. To anticipate. To consider probable or certain. To consider reasonable. To consider obligated. Are you expecting something? Have you ever expected anything? Do you expect to get anything out of what you are about to read? Is it dangerous to expect? Shouldn't it be equated with faith?

To whom much is given, much is expected. Paraphrased in the Bible, book Luke 12:48. This verse has been determined to mean that God has given his servants gifts and they are required or expected to utilize those gifts to serve. In turn I guess I expect by God's grace to wake every day and make it to work...or is it that I have faith that HE will?

Many of us expect to find the right man/woman who possess certain qualities. Do you expect them to be nice looking, wealthy, and loving? Maybe we all just have faith that we will have some great qualities in the person we fall in love with. Will that person live up to the expectation(s)? Probably, but maybe only if it is expected that they do.

As a child, did we expect life to be as good as waking up on Saturday for early morning cartoons and cereal? Again, maybe at that time we had faith in ourselves that life would be as simple as waking up to cartoons and cereal.

Some have said that expect little and get little. While others live with the philosophy that you can't expect anything. You can't expect a person to do something or be a certain person. You can't expect for anything to happen. There is nothing that can be expected, period.

I ride the fence on this word. Expect. Expectation. Expecting. Expected.

In my mind, I do expect the man in my life to take care of himself....and me too, of course. I do expect him to achieve in a career. I do expect him to show me respect. I do expect him to love me. I do expect my life to be peaceful. I do expect to achieve higher goals. I do expect my friends to be there for me even if they don't agree with what I do. I do expect my family to have my back in times of need. I do expect my boss to respect me. I do expect that none of these things could or will happen. I'm riding this fence until it falls. I do expect that someone reading this may think I'm absolutely nuts. That's ok, because I expect that no two people will agree on any topic all the time. I do expect the best. I do expect the worst. I do like this word expectation, expect, expecting, expected.

Upon further thought and reading. I have determined the relation between the word faith and expectation. Faith equates loyalty. In my final opinion, with no loyalty there is no expectation. Therefore unless you are expecting a baby...expectation is not healthy unless there is loyalty. If there is faith and loyalty in something or someone then expectation is included in the equation. In life, don't expect anything from anyone or any situation unless there is loyalty within it.

Self Doubt

Self Doubt, defined as lack of confidence in one self and ones abilities. It's a plague I believe that has stumped my life as well as many other lives. Maybe you can attest to being a person full of self doubt. Don't be so quick to shake your head in disagreement. So many people can sit there and lie with a straight face thinking, "Who me? Not me. I love myself." Well it is clearly defined by ones presence in the land of the living that there is self love. However love of self and doubt of oneself are two very different things. How can you tell? Come with me on the journey of my dictionary of life.

Self doubt is rooted deeply in my life. I'm not ashamed to say it. In my opinion it's very evident that something is wrong. I like myself. I'm more intelligent than many that I come across on a daily basis. I'm well-read. I'm well educated. I know what my passion is in life. I've made mistakes. I've accepted them. I've suffered turmoil. Struggle and I are best friends. Struggle and I make it through each day without death knocking at my door. I'm good. However, I sit here financially strapped...making the same amount of money I made 11 years ago when I graduated with my Bachelor of Arts degree in Political Science. Beyond that degree I have training or certifications in Early Childhood Education, Journalism, Education, Literature, and Paralegal Studies. I'm grounded with some serious information. I have more knowledge in me than I could possible put on a resume. I sit here with a mediocre job position. I sit here with serious regret. I'm straight up pissed with myself about why I'm sitting where I am today. There is truly something wrong with that picture.

The picture comes clear when I get one of those seldom conversations with my closest girl friends. They call me with inspirational words to keep me writing. It doesn't register with them totally why I'm not doing what I love. Things just don't add up to why I have all those things that the famous and happy talk about - passion. I have my passion. Maybe you have found yours too. The problem is really self doubt. I doubt that I can actually achieve such a high goal. How am I going to do that from Louisiana? I need to be in New York or Chicago. Just some place other than where I am today - that's what I keep telling myself. Then my self tells me that I truly don't have anything to write about. Who is going to read what I have to say? I can't write a story. I say all these things in my mind, but my mouth can tell you that I can write anything someone will ask me to write. If I have that much confidence in my words, why can't my self get up and get it done. Because I doubt that a publisher will listen to me. I doubt that I can do this as a single mother. I doubt that I can live in the cold weather of the East Coast. I doubt that I can make the money to support us. I doubt that no money will ever make money...because we all know that it takes money to make money. I am so full of doubts that my thoughts are probably freaking constipated.

It's so easy for those on the outside to shed life into your dreams. Just like I have friends shedding light into mine. I see things that I believe they could do. One my girls, we always called her "big brain". She was always smart. In college, she never had to study that much to pass a class. It was always her that was good with Math which is one of the toughest subjects to master for me. I feel like her wit alone would make a good entrepreneur. She would do well at having her own accounting firm - something. Something that is so far above what she is doing now. Mind you she is successful with her career and family, yet there is more that she wants. There is more that she can certainly do. However just like me, I know there is that big machete sitting in her kitchen drawer, self doubt. Yep, self doubt sitting right there in her home to chop up her thoughts and kill them from ever coming alive. My list could go on as to what I think those around me could do. Anytime I shoot out those ideas, there is always a "naw, that wouldn't work because" coming some place in the sentence following my idea. It's purely self doubt killing ideas about life.

I imagine if we were anything like my young son we would probably be in a good place. He believes if it is said then it is done. Therefore if we say something will happen in our lives, then it will be done. What truly is our problem? It is plain and simple, self doubt. That's a killer of a word. It should be defined as "life killer"....the machete chopping up and killing the lives of the innocent.

If there is the least bit of self doubt in your mind start thinking like the man who thinks that he can get any woman. Go up to the opportunity, act on it, and then see how it responds. Don't think about it. Just start walking toward it and take a chance.

Respect

I'm saddened today for my young girls. I work with young girls in my community and church. So many of them are just spreading themselves thin with these young men. As a teen myself, I was a little wild, but these girls have nothing on me!

My longing is for them to realize that as women, we set the standard. If we let men run through us like a screw driver, then they will do such. However if we tame them like wild animals, they will be tame. Women and young girls, if we respect ourselves then they will have respect for us. That comes in all fashions. It can be in the bed, in the kitchen, in the car, in the restaurant...wherever you are. One must demand respect of themselves by setting the standard.

I imagine that most of you reading this now already know this. However, this is your reminder to share this with a young girl in your family or friend circle. Don't be afraid to pull that girl aside and have a little talk. Be approachable. Talk to these girls. It truly takes a village to raise a child...I don't care what race or nationality you are. I say that because that proverb that I quoted is supposed to be an African proverb.

Respect is a powerful word. As I think, this is so appropriate for even your work environment. Be mindful. Demand your respect. Carry yourself in a manner that one will know upon meeting that they can't disrespect you. Speak up. Speak clearly. Be heard. Know your stuff. Be smart. Be brave. Respect will come its way.

I feel like all that I know are well aware of this topic, but this is certainly a refresher. Don't forget it. Spread the word. Respect yourself! Demand respect! Live in a respectful manner.

I be the only one

Have you told someone today that THERE IS NO ONE LIKE ME, BUT ME! Y'all better get out there and let 'em know...
Man, you better take it in 'cause I'm telling you, it gets no better. I'm so serious.
You keep trying to interject you into me, but I keep showing you that is just not going to work.
I'm me and there is no one like me!
So, you better get on board with me 'cause you sure are missing out.
I know you know this already, shucks I just had to remind you 'cause we are getting old and reminders are necessary.
There is no one like me, but me...
Take in all in while you can
Uhm, I'm telling you...if you don't know, you need to recognize.
'Cause man...I be the only one

Looking

I stopped looking for the one and only needle that I own. It's the needle I needed many a day to sew up a hem, button, or hole. Just the other day, I was preparing for my son's Kindergarten graduation, I found my needle. It was tangled in an unlikely necklace. It's one that I've only worn once. I was searching, but stopped and there it was. I've said this before and I'm sure many have probably told you too - when you stop searching for something it presents itself at the least expected time. I do believe that would be true for so many parts of our lives. It's true when we speak of finding that special person. It's true when it comes to a lost needle - as little as that needle is in the grand scheme of things. It's true when it comes to inspirations. Things and people find their way into our lives when we stop searching. When we stop asking when and where?

Today I found something else - inspiration. In an unlikely place for me - the finale shows of The Oprah Winfrey Show. It sounds cliche, but it's true. It's unlikely for me because I pride myself on not really fashioning myself in the likes of others...even the famous and successful. However during her last shows, I found inspiration in my life as a mother and mentor. The two go hand in hand as I take them seriously. I'm a superwoman! Yes, I said it! I claim it!

I have been blessed with a a gift of mentoring youth and giving them inspiration to strive for educational greatness. I do this in a subtle and effective manner...I don't shout it to the mountain tops.

My mothering - I take so seriously because I'm responsible for the outcome of another human being. It's my 100% responsibility for someone to develop into a productive person. Everything that I do is what makes him. It's like playing a game...too many wrong moves and you lose the game. So far I believe that I've made a few good moves...I'm still in the winning circle at this point. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a tightrope, but I haven't fallen off yet.

I've found inspiration in knowing that my life is certainly not over. I have yet to find that totally rewarding life - career fulfillment. I have yet to find that special someone. However, just because I haven't found tbose things doesn't mean it won't show up in the unlikely place at the most unlikely time.

It is said...Seek and ye shall find. I say seek solace in knowing that sometimes seeking is not necessary because some things find their was in our lives regardless.

Cake

I love writing like a fat kid loves cake!

Frustration

Frustration. Pictures sent to me of a man's anatomy on my cell. The first time it was...you just nasty. The second time was....come on now, but the third time it was delete, delete, delete! That's just sick! Frustration. People telling me what's best for me...I mean you see me the most of once a year. Now everytime I see you, you think you know what's best for me. Frustration. No girls to hang out with...shake a leg or cry with. Frustration. Cooking, cleaning, fussing and laughing...alone. Frustration. Needs that are unfulfilled, problems unresolved, dissatisfaction. Don't get frustrated by reading this...I'm not...this is funny to me. Find funny in your frustrations!

Path

A narrow walk, a beaten path, formed or trodden by a person, a path. Many famous philosophers or even street philosophers have said that our path in life has been set. If you are a Christian, it's set by God. If you are Buddhist, it may be set by the way you have treated others. In so many walks of life, it is agreed upon that no path is a mistake. If we go by the definition of the word path, then we can take comfort in knowing that not only is our path in life not a mistake...it's a narrow walk. Narrow being thin, not wide. Being that it's a narrow walk, it's set just for one. No other person is set to take the same path as you at the same time. Therefore your path, is your path. It's a path set for one person to follow at a time. No one can hold your hand and walk along the way with you. Now this narrow walk is also beaten, meaning someone else has made the way for you. While your path is set just for you, know that someone else still has made some of the similar steps as you have. While you walk on your path alone in life, your path has still been set. If you've ever walked in a path or short cut through a neighbors yard as a kid, you can recall how the grass is worn and there is a dusty dirt path for you to follow. It might be a path already set for you to follow, but it's not always the smoothest or cleanest route to your destination. It's so funny how that relates to life. Our path in life creates who we are a person. I can't attest to knowing every one's life story, but I know enough to know that stuff happens in every one's life. Some good and some bad. This concept that life's path has been set for me and probably not a cupcake walk is a hard one to accept. It's easy to understand that life just won't be easy, but it certainly can piss a person off to have to go through some turmoil just to get to the joy. As I said before, I've accepted that their aren't answers for everything in life. I just personally need to remind myself often that this life I'm living is preparing me for something that I'm going to experience in the future. In my personal thoughts, I think that my life experiences and acquaintances will make for a good book. So, I'm personally going to sit back and enjoy my path, my shortcut through the neighbors yard. Each day I live, my path looks easier to get through, even if it can sometimes be a little rough and dirty.

Phases

There are times in life that many of us want or need a how-to guide on life. We seek holy books, magazines, and elders. When you are a new mother, there are several books that help you know what to expect while pregnant or what to expect when the baby gets here. For the first year, those books and websites are pretty much a great guide. A general guide that details what babies go through. I found them helpful. When my son got a rash, the book told me what it was and what was going to happen next. Many times, it helped me know in advance, when he would be getting new teeth or if he was "on time" with crawling or walking. There are so many helpful guides out there to assist you.

Lately, I've been thinking what if there was a book like that for life? Why isn't there one? Holy books guide us on how to live to expect a certain outcome in life. However they certainly don't tell me details. No person or book has been able to tell anyone I know positively what to expect when certain phases happen in life. So, today I've sort of developed my own What to expect when Life happens.

Faith Phase - What happens when I can't decide on what faith I should follow? In my experience and having read about different faiths, many of them primarily focus on being a good person and being good to others. So, in this phase my response is study on your own. Consult with someone in that faith. Please be aware that this phase will certainly resurface itself in life more than once. Be aware that you must be strong in your faith. Stand firm and follow its teachings to the best of your possibility. Always be aware that there is no perfect faith, it's not supposed to be. There is nothing in life that is totally perfect and good.

Friend Phase - I do what I do because it is acceptable in the eyes of those who consider themselves my friend. This phase may be juvenile in wording, however it has deep as the love one has for a child. In my experiences and from those whom I've conversed with about the topic. This phase must be revisited throughout life. It's a phase that is difficult because it is certainly a matter of the heart...emotions. Sometimes we develop into a person only because it is acceptable in our friend's eyes. In this phase we must stop and think seriously who we are as an individual. Accept that you are who you are with or without your friends. Also in the friend topic...There are times when you expect a friend to be there for you physically and mentally. When often they may fall short. In return they truly don't lean toward you for such purposes either. Therefore in this phase you struggle with the question of..who really is my friend? Why do I consider this person my friend? What type of friend is this? In my experiences, I've found that friends land in different categories. There aren't many who have a friend or friends who can truly say they are 100% with one another. In this phase there must be just plain acceptance that nothing in life will truly go your way. While you want or expect a friend to be or act a certain way, they won't. There is no reason to complain. There is no reason to have ill feelings. Just continue with the Faith Phase - know that as long as you are a good person and do good things, friends will be a part of your life. Sidebar to this friend phase...friends may not be the food and water that keep you alive, but they certainly do break the falls of life which can make things a little sweeter.

Lust Phase - I'm crazy about that woman/man. All I want to do is jump their bones. Ok, brace yourself...I'm sort of referencing to Lil' Wayne...In one of his songs, he says "I wish I could F every girl in the world." Now as trivial as that sounds, if you just think...he would really like to sleep with every girl in the world. There are so many different types, he just can't get enough. Sometimes we as humans certainly can lust for one another just like that. It can be such a blissful feeling. In this phase, I say take it easy. Take it easy because this phase would take you through some medical phases that certainly aren't pleasant. However like the Friend Phase, know that the Faith Phase certainly will get you through this one in life as well.

Ok, now I've just highlighted a few phases because I know that I can go through so many. Presently, I'm going through a few phases myself. One is my Single Mother Phase. It's a hard phase. I do believe out of all the phases in my life, I've encountered one of the hardest phases. It's a phase where you can lose faith, friends, and lust all in one. It's a phase that I have no choice but to go through. I made a few decisions and I've landed in a life altering phase. It's ok because I've come into serious acceptance as to what my life holds. As the cliche goes, having a child changes everything. This is a phase that I'm slowly working through and still wouldn't be able to tell anyone how to get through. What I'm doing is making it work. Accepting a lot of things...Acceptance, that's it! Accept it and just keep rolling with the punches. Know that just like every phase in life, it will pass. Acceptance is such a freeing thing! It certainly has helped break my fall many times. Maybe many of us need to stop looking for an answer to our life issues and questions because there will never be a book. We need to come to that acceptance, free ourselves and just be!

Realization

It's not them, it's me! I've come to the point of realization...I'm in a state of realizing something about my situation at this moment. In my physical location... "get the fuck out", "you've smoking dope all night..now you wanna leave," "man the dumpster is on fire." These have been my most recent encounters. It's these three events that have lead me to realize that it's not them...it's it's me!

I don't need management to fix another thing in this building. I don't need them to monitor another neighbor...I am the problem and I need to go. This is not the place for me. I'm the outcast. I'm the only one who thinks these behaviors are not quite normal.

"What the fuck, you didn't hear me?" In a place where it is just fine to say that to your girlfriend, wife, or significant other.... Yup, it's me...it's not them. They are just fine with this behavior and this form of communication.

There is no place like home. I certainly agree. There is no place like it. However like people...there is a season, a reason, and a lifetime. My childhood home is certainly a season...maybe a little of a reason. I know one thing...it's not a lifetime.

Have you had a moment when you just felt like saying...huh? Are you serious? When you encounter such an event, realize like I did that it's not you, it's them.

Positive

Positive. When looking up this word, I found that there are as many meanings to that word as there are years of my life. That would be in the 30 range. With so many definitions to a word one might determine that this a powerful word - POSITIVE. When you think of it in any form of the word, it rings - sounds really nice.

Practical is positive. If positive is practical then it should be something that a practical or normal person should be able to obtain. To be practical. To be hopeful. You can be positive if in fact you are practical. Are you practical? I think if you accomplish daily life, then you are practical. Therefore you can be positive. To the adult mind, being positive after fighting the blows that life throws is hard. It's hard to think of positive thoughts when doors are slammed in your face. It's hard when doctors give you answers you don't want to hear. It's hard when relationships dwindle. It's just plain hard to be positive.

Now as I usually do, I feed from an innocent mind...My son. He asked me one day what hard meant. He wasn't quite sure what it meant that something was hard to do. Therefore, at this point in his life, he has experienced difficulty with words or how to play a game. However, he doesn't truly grasp the meaning of what hard means. He has experience hard things yet he doesn't stop because it is hard. If we had never been told in our life that something was hard, would we embrace the word hard like we do? Would we struggle with certain events in our life just because we were told they were hard? Would we get down just because we know it is hard?

We know that being positive is hard, but if we take out the word hard...then it's just being positive. No more saying it's hard to be positive. I'm going to try to be positive, but it just isn't easy.... That's not good enough people. Let's just be positive regardless of how hard it might be. My little one doesn't truly know what hard or positive means, but he just tries to do what's good. Good being another definition for positive. So go out and just be good and that should make it more easy than hard for you to be positive everyday.

Love

As the day nears for Valentine's Day, a day to celebrate love. A few months ago, I asked a few ladies what they loved or admired about the man in their life. While many of them struggled with the exact words to describe him, some were able to spit it right out without a thought. The words used were loving, strong, dependable, patient, super friend, with a dab of spontaneity, respectfulness, a twist of uniqueness, and a dollop of family values. Those were just wonderful words to label loved ones.


I salute you ladies who have found the one. Make sure you remember how he moves you... how he makes waves in the ocean above and below. Feel the beat of his rhythmic step. Glide along the yellow brick road, hand in hand. Yes, love your man or woman. On this day of love, do whatever you need to do make that person in your life realize what they mean to you in your life.

I'm going to spend the evening out with my loved one - Aitan, my son. He and I will wait for the that Knight to walk into my life. Don't believe the hype however when you watch those sappy stories on television. You know those movies about a divorced woman with her child who moves back to her hometown and falls in love with an old high school love. There is no high school love over here for me. Furthermore there is no real love at all. Happy Valentine's Day to you! (sigh)

As usual, I'm not going to let a holiday or celebratory event get me down in the dumps. There is a lesson in everything. Love your loved ones everyday. Show them those words you use to describe them. Know that even if you don't have those words to describe anyone in your life, there still must be love within to celebrate. Life itself needs to be a Valentine's Day...we must love the fact that we see a new day everyday.

Acclerate

Accelerate meaning...To become faster. To quicken the natural or ordinary process of something.

Last week, my son's teacher called early in the morning to inform me that he was chosen to be a a part of the Accelerated Reader program. I was excited. He was chosen because he already completed one grade level advanced reading program and does well reading to his class. So now he has been chosen to be pushed one step farther to become better than he is now. Great! I love it! I especially love this when recent studies show that most African-American boys read below their grade level. I'm not sure if the studies were able to develop a reasoning as to why these young boys are reading so low, but we can assume that it has to be that they aren't reading at home. Well, at least I'm doing something right over here.

As usual, one event in life turns me to think about another. What if there was an Accelerated Parent program or an Accelerated Human Being program. Would you fit the mold? Have you reached a point in your life that you have done so well that someone should reward you with an advanced program? Is there something out there to push adults to move a step farther in their lives? I've not done much research, but I'm sure their aren't any programs as such.

However, I do believe that there is a program within ourselves to help us push harder to be better than we are now. The program is self worth, self love, self esteem. Those things must be programmed within ourselves in order for us to be put in an Accelerated Program like my son has been accepted into. There aren't any teachers or leaders to induct or test us to make sure that we qualify. We must do the examination of ourselves to determine just how much we are worth. Are we not doing well enough with what is given to us? My son first did well with the grade level books given to him therefore he was pushed into the Accelerated Program to be pushed above his grade level. I can attest that I've been given enough test in life to realize that I must accelerate! I need to be pushed into something greater in my life. I need to be in the Accelerated Life Survivors program. Ahhh, I think that's what I will do. Will you accelerate yourself to a higher grade level today or will you pump the brakes and fall below grade level?

Go forth and get in the Accelerated _____________ Program! You have my permission.

Things

"I don't think I'm going to come down there. I think I will leave things alone."
- a disgrace to the human race

These are the words of the best sperm donor a woman could wish for. I'm sarcastically speaking, of course. I received a random text this afternoon. The number wasn't familiar, but based on the area code and type of message, I figured it out. I know it's from the person who helped me create my son, his "daddy."

In his own words, he is telling me that he is going to "leave things alone...." What things, I wonder is he talking about. However one could only figure that he is speaking of his son, his own flesh and blood. Why of course he is... In the beginning, from the way it is phrased, one would think there were some things to resolve, but no there aren't! By things, this disgrace is really referring to my child.

While I know not many in my immediate circle ever approved of him, I truly don't believe anyone would believe that it would go this far. I know I didn't for sure. I knew that he wasn't perfect and maybe not even the perfect person for me, however I knew in my heart and mind that he would not turn his back on his child. Why? When we dated, I was introduced to his daughter. He held on to this girl like an animal holds on to its prey. When we got married, I was introduced to some other flock, but never did he let go of any. His daughter moved away and he made sure to travel a distance to make sure he maintained a relationship with her. He didn't leave that thing or those things alone. Never once was I bitter and still not until this day that he assured his relationship with his children. It just proves a point that this disgrace has it in him to show care for his children.

This is the same person who begged me not to kill his baby. So, with all my uncertainties during my pregnancy, he made sure to lay them to rest. He made sure to assure me of his presence in his son's life. I wasn't of major concern about our relationship because I'm well aware of how things can change with adults. I just never expected for my son to be referred to as "things." So, here we stand six years after the birth of his son, my son and he is no place to be found.

I have no problem "leaving things alone," if by that it means leaving his disgraceful flesh alone. I'm no longer going to be that advocate to restore a relationship between father and son. My efforts have proved fruitless and I shall not continue to fight. I will allow my son to speak for himself when the time comes. Until then, in his own words - "I don't have a daddy," my son occasionally mentions, I will continue to go with that. He is only going by what he experiences.

Lesson here is that as adults we don't really need to teach some things to our children. Some of their best lessons certainly come from life's experiences. They shape and teach our children better than we could imagine. So let's just leave some things alone and let it be.

Choices

Me: Do you want to go to the store to get your Valentine's Day treats?
We are going to go right here to this store.
Do you want to go?

My Son: I don't know. Why do you keep asking me that? I don't know.

It's funny, when people ask me that about my life, I just need to anwer it like that. I just don't know sometimes... We all make plans for our life. As high school graduates, we made the decision about college or not. For me, it was college. Once in college, I had to decide what my major study was going to be. I chose, Political Science. I wasn't quite sure about that then. I really should have just answered, I don't know. However, I made the choice. I made the choice primarily because that was my favorite subject in school. It and English were my favs...still are. I made the choice way back then. While in college, I maintained my love for my writing, so I focused on that more than I did my politics. That was fine too. I made that choice. I was on a role making good choices back then. I had two outstanding internships. I made some great connections. One would have thought that I was on my way to a promising career. After graduation, I might have been. My first job fell in my lap because of the connections I made while working those internships. However, I made the choice to end that career rather quickly. I made that decision rather quickly...

Oh the choices we make...I just wish I could really say I just don't know what to choose.

Life went on after that abrupt end to that writing career...

We make choices about what careers we want and how we see our future lives. All too often, I think I've made the wrong choices. I'm thankful I guess that I haven't chosen drugs or a criminal lifestyle. I just wish sometimes I could turn around and make better choices.

I've reached the middle of road, I guess. I'm just living. I'm just surviving, day by day. I no longer have a serious vision for my life. Maybe I've made the choice to give up. Is that really my choice? Like my son, I really don't know...so why are you asking me?

Life is funny to me sometimes. I'm not supremely upset about my life...just a little accepting of choices I've made that have placed me where I am in life. Many of us have made choices in life that have landed us in a place in life that we hadn't intended on. How are we supposed to feel about that? I don't have a lesson learned about my choices in life. I only know that I made the best choice at the time when it was made. I just truly wish that I had made better choices in my life. While I don't know what lesson to learn from this just yet, I live my life trying to help young girls make better choices than I have. I'm laughing as I write this because I sound like my life is seriously in the dumps. It's just that this isn't the life I intended on living. This isn't the life I made choices to end up living. Thefore as young girls tell me the life they intend on living, I help them make the choices to get them to that place. If I can't help myself, maybe I can help someone else along the way.

Lights

When you put the key in the ignition of my car, there are three lights lit up on my dashboard. WARNING! It's not those lights most want to see. The low oil light is on. The low tire pressure light is on. The low gas light is on. Oh, it doesn't have a light, but the tires are way past needing rotating.

It's sort of a reflection of my life. God wakes me up each day, puts His spirit in me and gets me going. Now just like my car, there are several lights that light up on my dashboard. WARNING! The low energy light is on. The low on a second parent for my son light is on. The low on enthusiasm light is on. The low on funds light is on. The low on friendship light is on. The low on companionship light is on. There are lights lit up all over my dashboard. The light blinking - OVERALL TUNE-UP is blinking in bright red.

Well, in the morning I'm going to take my car to the maintenance shop to get all those lights turned off. The car shop around the corner sent me a great coupon, with no attachments, to help pay for the expenses. Whew, thank 'ya Lord for that 'cause those lights are in dire need of being turned off.

So, where is the shop for me? When is my appointment time to turn off all of my lights?

Resolution

As this new year has started, many people have made a resolution to stop or start doing something. I've never truly understood why people do such a thing to themselves. What really does making this new year's resolution, resolve? If you make a resolution to start a lifetime diet in order to lose a couple of pounds or more then all it does is create another problem - stress and anxiety. Therefore you then have to make another resolution in order to resolve the problem that you created. Once that resolution reach a mountain high goal, then many spend time stressing over how to maintain that resolution. Yes, I know that the resolution is there in order to help us be better people, but why does it have to be one big resolution at the beginning of the year? How about every day, every month take baby steps. Start a resolution to resolve one small thing at a time. If you are going to resolve a weight issue, then it will take steps. If you are going to resolve to stop smoking, take baby steps. Don't just set out to resolve something over night or heck even within that year. Resolve everyday to take baby steps toward something greater in your life.

My resolution is to do just that. I resolve to take a look at myself at least once a week to resolve issues I may have with myself. I can share with you today that I'm working to resolve my lack of confidence in how well I write. I write this blog, yet I'm not certain that I'm up there to compete and write with some of the big dogs. I've resolved one step...If everything is legit, I will be freelance writing for eHow.com. So, cross your fingers and hope that it all works out. Otherwise, I will have to resolve the web I've tangled myself in. If all goes well, this blog too will go one step up and become linked with this company and be read by more people with a little extra cash to add to it!

What's your resolution?