Change - a variation or deviation; transform
I let a dog sleep in my living room!
I just lost a blessing with that statement....
The dog I'm speaking of isn't the four-legged kind. It's the one that comes in the form of two legs. Yup, I let one sleep in my living room for three days. I did it without fuss or confrontation. I let this dog lie for one reason. My son. This two legged human, God's creation, dogged me at one point. For the past seven years, I've felt like he has dogged my son.
Nothing is constant in the world, but change. That's a famous saying. So, I thought give a dog a chance. Some people change. Sometimes one person has to change to present a change in another. So, I changed.
My son's birthday was last week and the sperm donor, also known as, dog or my son's father came for a visit....
I use the word father last and cautiously as it doesn't apply to a human who doesn't carry out the role. I use it as proper terminology in that this person fathered a child - he helped create and bring a child into this world.
The visit started off smoothly. I prepared my son with pictures and verbal reminders of times with his father as an introduction him as he had no clue exactly who his father was. After all, it's been three years since he has seen him. Children in their toddler to elementary years often forget people they don't see regularly.
My son was excited to meet this human. It was a person whom resembled him. A person with a name. A person he thought that he never had - a Daddy. My son held on to that word Daddy for a few days. It was nice to see him happy. To get him this type of happiness, I had to change.
I had to remain calm, emotionless, and quiet for three days. I did it! Not one argument. Not one sarcastic remark. Nothing. Of course there was no love you...miss you...wish we could be back together either.
To give you a few hard facts of how I've changed, check out these examples of half-way conversations.
Sidebar: The arrangement alone speaks volumes. I allowed him to stay in my home. I remained in my bedroom and only ventured out to eat or leave the house. Who does that? Who allows that to take place? I did. I did it for my son because I knew he would love nothing more than to have this person in his home and environment.
Me: I'm going to church on Sunday. You don't need to go. You can stay home and babysit.
Him: ....to my son... Do you go to church? Why?
My son: Yes, because my Mommy makes me.
Him: Is that right?
The response that I should have interjected...the thought that I was thinking was this... My son and I go to church because the church and my faith is all that I had when my husband decided not to be there for his family. We go to church because we have faith in something higher than human. We go to church because the church has been and is there at all times - no matter what.
See people, I've changed! I could have let him have it right there, but I didn't. I refrained. A few years ago, I would have lit into his tale. That right there would have ended the bliss that my son was in for those few days.
Him: You know living in the country you don't have many restaurants to choose from. Living in a city, you can find a little spot that you can eat under $10.
Me: Uhm uh, is that right?
The response that I should have said...the one that I was thinking...Hell yeah, I could eat as one person under $10 anywhere in a city or a country. However I have to pay for two people to eat all the time. Therefore there is no place anywhere in the USA where two people can have a full meal for $10. Of course you wouldn't know anything about that because you eat for one everyday. You have no clue what it is like to have two people or a child to feed each meal.
Change! Change people! Do you hear me?!
My son: I want my Mommy to be happy and married. Are you two going to get back together and get married?
Him: Yeah, your Mommy is a very nice person. I still love your Mommy.
Me: In my room laughing and waiting..... Thinking he is full of it and that he never answered the question. What I wanted to hear was this person to explain the situation. What I could have gotten up to interject is that NO, son we will not be getting back together. Your daddy has lied is way out of a family. He has dogged us far too long to turn back.
God blessed me those three days. I remained as silent as someone who has lost the blessing of speech. I was doing the number one rule in communication...listening! Sometimes the best thing to say to someone is nothing at all. That is exactly what I did. I'm out of words in this situation. All I can do is answer my son's questions as they come. I'm not here to spoil his joy and ruin these infrequent trips by his father.
I am however left with a son who must realize one thing...anything and everything he wants to do, he can do it with or without a Daddy! He told me today that he needed his Daddy to fold a blanket. My response was...You folded that blanket alone before you knew you had a Daddy, right? His response was, yes. With that said, he folded that blanket perfectly. At this young age of seven, my son must learn independence. While it's a hard lesson for a young child, it's reality.
My son always said that he didn't have a Daddy. Now there is a change and he knows that he has one. I fostered that realization by changing myself in order to give him a moment of happiness.
What do you need to change?
Who do you need to change for?
How will that change help?
Change in any aspect can be an enlightening moment! I'm so proud of myself for removing my smart tale mouth and emotions in order to see if other things can change for my son. Only time will tell if my change made a difference. However if it didn't, it is nice to know that I can change something about myself.