Stop

I think weekly, these words come out of my mouth.

I used to...
workout at least 4 times a week
not eat fast food
only eat sweets on the weekend
go to the dermatologist
meditate
read
write
go to poetry readings
have friend get-togethers
hang out with my girls
I used to...
Heck...it took me a long time to get to those things I used to do...

I'm so full of these things. What happened to me? I let one person ruin my life. I often say that the worst decision I made was to get married. Well, as I think about it, the worst thing that I've done in my life is to let one person's issues cause me to feel less of myself. Of course I love myself. I value myself. It's just that my days get hectic. My money is always low. So, I take it out on parts of my life that should not suffer. I know that I haven't been totally sleep for the past four years, but I have let so much of my life go to bed. Is it possible that all those used to things are really gone? If not, when will I be able to pick up those used to things again? I know it all lies within, but that, that's so much easier said than done.

My mind is racing. Constantly. No - I don't need medication. I could use a father. While one person will not repair all my ills, it would certainly help me get back to some of those used to things. Now as I've said before, I have to change what I can even with the circumstances that I have - but I can't even find the peace of mind to figure out just how to do that. That's why I truly don't look forward to my weekends. I enjoy not waking up early in the morning, but weekends leave me totally alone to be mother. Motherhood is fine. However, I'm more than a mother.

I'm a friend, yet I don't have any friends around me. I'm a lover, yet I don't have a lover. I'm just...I'm just Sonja, yet I don't really get to enjoy me. Maybe I'm being a little too pessimistic. My optimism sees that I'm able to feed and clothe my child. My optimism sees that he is a good kid - smart and healthy. My optimism sees that I'm blessed with a great work environment, one of the best I've ever had. My optimism sees that I could still be living with someone else instead of on my own. I'm blessed - blessed beyond measure. I'm not asking for a million bucks. I'm just asking for....what am I really seeking? Ok, that's it, I'm seeking to return to those used to things.

My lesson today is to take a stand and try my best to return to those used to things. Break my back, do what I need to do because my life so very much depends on it...

I'm going to stop and get to saying - I used to say...

I used to workout at least 4 times a week
I used to not eat fast food
I used to only eat sweets on the weekend
I used to go to the dermatologist
I used to meditate
I used to read
I used to write
I used to go to poetry readings
I used to have friend get-togethers
I used to hang out with my girls
I used to say I used to do a lot of things, but now I don't.

Today I stop saying I used to and start saying I do!