Self Doubt, defined as lack of confidence in one self and ones abilities. It's a plague I believe that has stumped my life as well as many other lives. Maybe you can attest to being a person full of self doubt. Don't be so quick to shake your head in disagreement. So many people can sit there and lie with a straight face thinking, "Who me? Not me. I love myself." Well it is clearly defined by ones presence in the land of the living that there is self love. However love of self and doubt of oneself are two very different things. How can you tell? Come with me on the journey of my dictionary of life.
Self doubt is rooted deeply in my life. I'm not ashamed to say it. In my opinion it's very evident that something is wrong. I like myself. I'm more intelligent than many that I come across on a daily basis. I'm well-read. I'm well educated. I know what my passion is in life. I've made mistakes. I've accepted them. I've suffered turmoil. Struggle and I are best friends. Struggle and I make it through each day without death knocking at my door. I'm good. However, I sit here financially strapped...making the same amount of money I made 11 years ago when I graduated with my Bachelor of Arts degree in Political Science. Beyond that degree I have training or certifications in Early Childhood Education, Journalism, Education, Literature, and Paralegal Studies. I'm grounded with some serious information. I have more knowledge in me than I could possible put on a resume. I sit here with a mediocre job position. I sit here with serious regret. I'm straight up pissed with myself about why I'm sitting where I am today. There is truly something wrong with that picture.
The picture comes clear when I get one of those seldom conversations with my closest girl friends. They call me with inspirational words to keep me writing. It doesn't register with them totally why I'm not doing what I love. Things just don't add up to why I have all those things that the famous and happy talk about - passion. I have my passion. Maybe you have found yours too. The problem is really self doubt. I doubt that I can actually achieve such a high goal. How am I going to do that from Louisiana? I need to be in New York or Chicago. Just some place other than where I am today - that's what I keep telling myself. Then my self tells me that I truly don't have anything to write about. Who is going to read what I have to say? I can't write a story. I say all these things in my mind, but my mouth can tell you that I can write anything someone will ask me to write. If I have that much confidence in my words, why can't my self get up and get it done. Because I doubt that a publisher will listen to me. I doubt that I can do this as a single mother. I doubt that I can live in the cold weather of the East Coast. I doubt that I can make the money to support us. I doubt that no money will ever make money...because we all know that it takes money to make money. I am so full of doubts that my thoughts are probably freaking constipated.
It's so easy for those on the outside to shed life into your dreams. Just like I have friends shedding light into mine. I see things that I believe they could do. One my girls, we always called her "big brain". She was always smart. In college, she never had to study that much to pass a class. It was always her that was good with Math which is one of the toughest subjects to master for me. I feel like her wit alone would make a good entrepreneur. She would do well at having her own accounting firm - something. Something that is so far above what she is doing now. Mind you she is successful with her career and family, yet there is more that she wants. There is more that she can certainly do. However just like me, I know there is that big machete sitting in her kitchen drawer, self doubt. Yep, self doubt sitting right there in her home to chop up her thoughts and kill them from ever coming alive. My list could go on as to what I think those around me could do. Anytime I shoot out those ideas, there is always a "naw, that wouldn't work because" coming some place in the sentence following my idea. It's purely self doubt killing ideas about life.
I imagine if we were anything like my young son we would probably be in a good place. He believes if it is said then it is done. Therefore if we say something will happen in our lives, then it will be done. What truly is our problem? It is plain and simple, self doubt. That's a killer of a word. It should be defined as "life killer"....the machete chopping up and killing the lives of the innocent.
If there is the least bit of self doubt in your mind start thinking like the man who thinks that he can get any woman. Go up to the opportunity, act on it, and then see how it responds. Don't think about it. Just start walking toward it and take a chance.