Realization

It's not them, it's me! I've come to the point of realization...I'm in a state of realizing something about my situation at this moment. In my physical location... "get the fuck out", "you've smoking dope all night..now you wanna leave," "man the dumpster is on fire." These have been my most recent encounters. It's these three events that have lead me to realize that it's not them...it's it's me!

I don't need management to fix another thing in this building. I don't need them to monitor another neighbor...I am the problem and I need to go. This is not the place for me. I'm the outcast. I'm the only one who thinks these behaviors are not quite normal.

"What the fuck, you didn't hear me?" In a place where it is just fine to say that to your girlfriend, wife, or significant other.... Yup, it's me...it's not them. They are just fine with this behavior and this form of communication.

There is no place like home. I certainly agree. There is no place like it. However like people...there is a season, a reason, and a lifetime. My childhood home is certainly a season...maybe a little of a reason. I know one thing...it's not a lifetime.

Have you had a moment when you just felt like saying...huh? Are you serious? When you encounter such an event, realize like I did that it's not you, it's them.

Positive

Positive. When looking up this word, I found that there are as many meanings to that word as there are years of my life. That would be in the 30 range. With so many definitions to a word one might determine that this a powerful word - POSITIVE. When you think of it in any form of the word, it rings - sounds really nice.

Practical is positive. If positive is practical then it should be something that a practical or normal person should be able to obtain. To be practical. To be hopeful. You can be positive if in fact you are practical. Are you practical? I think if you accomplish daily life, then you are practical. Therefore you can be positive. To the adult mind, being positive after fighting the blows that life throws is hard. It's hard to think of positive thoughts when doors are slammed in your face. It's hard when doctors give you answers you don't want to hear. It's hard when relationships dwindle. It's just plain hard to be positive.

Now as I usually do, I feed from an innocent mind...My son. He asked me one day what hard meant. He wasn't quite sure what it meant that something was hard to do. Therefore, at this point in his life, he has experienced difficulty with words or how to play a game. However, he doesn't truly grasp the meaning of what hard means. He has experience hard things yet he doesn't stop because it is hard. If we had never been told in our life that something was hard, would we embrace the word hard like we do? Would we struggle with certain events in our life just because we were told they were hard? Would we get down just because we know it is hard?

We know that being positive is hard, but if we take out the word hard...then it's just being positive. No more saying it's hard to be positive. I'm going to try to be positive, but it just isn't easy.... That's not good enough people. Let's just be positive regardless of how hard it might be. My little one doesn't truly know what hard or positive means, but he just tries to do what's good. Good being another definition for positive. So go out and just be good and that should make it more easy than hard for you to be positive everyday.

Love

As the day nears for Valentine's Day, a day to celebrate love. A few months ago, I asked a few ladies what they loved or admired about the man in their life. While many of them struggled with the exact words to describe him, some were able to spit it right out without a thought. The words used were loving, strong, dependable, patient, super friend, with a dab of spontaneity, respectfulness, a twist of uniqueness, and a dollop of family values. Those were just wonderful words to label loved ones.


I salute you ladies who have found the one. Make sure you remember how he moves you... how he makes waves in the ocean above and below. Feel the beat of his rhythmic step. Glide along the yellow brick road, hand in hand. Yes, love your man or woman. On this day of love, do whatever you need to do make that person in your life realize what they mean to you in your life.

I'm going to spend the evening out with my loved one - Aitan, my son. He and I will wait for the that Knight to walk into my life. Don't believe the hype however when you watch those sappy stories on television. You know those movies about a divorced woman with her child who moves back to her hometown and falls in love with an old high school love. There is no high school love over here for me. Furthermore there is no real love at all. Happy Valentine's Day to you! (sigh)

As usual, I'm not going to let a holiday or celebratory event get me down in the dumps. There is a lesson in everything. Love your loved ones everyday. Show them those words you use to describe them. Know that even if you don't have those words to describe anyone in your life, there still must be love within to celebrate. Life itself needs to be a Valentine's Day...we must love the fact that we see a new day everyday.

Acclerate

Accelerate meaning...To become faster. To quicken the natural or ordinary process of something.

Last week, my son's teacher called early in the morning to inform me that he was chosen to be a a part of the Accelerated Reader program. I was excited. He was chosen because he already completed one grade level advanced reading program and does well reading to his class. So now he has been chosen to be pushed one step farther to become better than he is now. Great! I love it! I especially love this when recent studies show that most African-American boys read below their grade level. I'm not sure if the studies were able to develop a reasoning as to why these young boys are reading so low, but we can assume that it has to be that they aren't reading at home. Well, at least I'm doing something right over here.

As usual, one event in life turns me to think about another. What if there was an Accelerated Parent program or an Accelerated Human Being program. Would you fit the mold? Have you reached a point in your life that you have done so well that someone should reward you with an advanced program? Is there something out there to push adults to move a step farther in their lives? I've not done much research, but I'm sure their aren't any programs as such.

However, I do believe that there is a program within ourselves to help us push harder to be better than we are now. The program is self worth, self love, self esteem. Those things must be programmed within ourselves in order for us to be put in an Accelerated Program like my son has been accepted into. There aren't any teachers or leaders to induct or test us to make sure that we qualify. We must do the examination of ourselves to determine just how much we are worth. Are we not doing well enough with what is given to us? My son first did well with the grade level books given to him therefore he was pushed into the Accelerated Program to be pushed above his grade level. I can attest that I've been given enough test in life to realize that I must accelerate! I need to be pushed into something greater in my life. I need to be in the Accelerated Life Survivors program. Ahhh, I think that's what I will do. Will you accelerate yourself to a higher grade level today or will you pump the brakes and fall below grade level?

Go forth and get in the Accelerated _____________ Program! You have my permission.

Things

"I don't think I'm going to come down there. I think I will leave things alone."
- a disgrace to the human race

These are the words of the best sperm donor a woman could wish for. I'm sarcastically speaking, of course. I received a random text this afternoon. The number wasn't familiar, but based on the area code and type of message, I figured it out. I know it's from the person who helped me create my son, his "daddy."

In his own words, he is telling me that he is going to "leave things alone...." What things, I wonder is he talking about. However one could only figure that he is speaking of his son, his own flesh and blood. Why of course he is... In the beginning, from the way it is phrased, one would think there were some things to resolve, but no there aren't! By things, this disgrace is really referring to my child.

While I know not many in my immediate circle ever approved of him, I truly don't believe anyone would believe that it would go this far. I know I didn't for sure. I knew that he wasn't perfect and maybe not even the perfect person for me, however I knew in my heart and mind that he would not turn his back on his child. Why? When we dated, I was introduced to his daughter. He held on to this girl like an animal holds on to its prey. When we got married, I was introduced to some other flock, but never did he let go of any. His daughter moved away and he made sure to travel a distance to make sure he maintained a relationship with her. He didn't leave that thing or those things alone. Never once was I bitter and still not until this day that he assured his relationship with his children. It just proves a point that this disgrace has it in him to show care for his children.

This is the same person who begged me not to kill his baby. So, with all my uncertainties during my pregnancy, he made sure to lay them to rest. He made sure to assure me of his presence in his son's life. I wasn't of major concern about our relationship because I'm well aware of how things can change with adults. I just never expected for my son to be referred to as "things." So, here we stand six years after the birth of his son, my son and he is no place to be found.

I have no problem "leaving things alone," if by that it means leaving his disgraceful flesh alone. I'm no longer going to be that advocate to restore a relationship between father and son. My efforts have proved fruitless and I shall not continue to fight. I will allow my son to speak for himself when the time comes. Until then, in his own words - "I don't have a daddy," my son occasionally mentions, I will continue to go with that. He is only going by what he experiences.

Lesson here is that as adults we don't really need to teach some things to our children. Some of their best lessons certainly come from life's experiences. They shape and teach our children better than we could imagine. So let's just leave some things alone and let it be.