Single Mother - SURVIVAL

Survival - the state or fact of continuing to live or exist, typically in spite of an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstances.  Through my experiences and experiences of those who I share this life with, I’ve developed 10 tips for survival as a single mother.  While some tips are simple and a little bit of common sense, other tips are not so simple and often forgotten about in the shuffle of life.  

Be wise and survive! We have this one life!

Get the right car – My opinion is to have a small truck or hatchback. The car you drive needs to serve for many purposes for the long haul.  I’ve had several cars and find that a hatchback to be one of the most beneficial cars. A smaller truck would likely fall under this category as well. The car you have should be easier to wash or repair on your own. It should be multi-purpose for events like moving, field trips, and carpooling with friends.  There is nothing like having your own “whip” for such events so that you eliminate the need to ask someone for help or rent a vehicle to fit the need of the occasion.  Don’t think so much about the style of car.  It’s cool to be cute, but not so cool to be stuck out spending unnecessary money or time.

Forgive yourself daily – While some modern day women are entering the world of being a single mother due to a desire to be a parent, most don’t plan to be a single mother.  Being a parent is challenge enough and taking on the task alone is an even greater challenge. There will be mistakes made and plans diverted.  Forgive yourself daily for those things. Forgive yourself for all things that appear in your mind as a failure or downfall of yourself.  No one is perfect. No one person can do it all. Forgive yourself for that. Forgive yourself for those days your child questions why you aren’t with their other parent. Forgive yourself for forgetting to send lunch money. Forgive yourself for not ironing. Just forgive yourself.  Don’t drag around the dead weight of guilt.

Wipe away pride – One of the biggest feats for myself.  Any pride that I had in most situations has been wiped away.  Going into life, most people have some form of pride.  However as a single parent, you will often need help from others and even the government.  You will have to visit a thrift store to sell and purchase. You will have to take charity.  Being a charity case has been an extremely hard pill to swallow.  Most women will work their butts off not to slide into this realm of life.  However the truth is – anything can happen.  As a career women or entrepreneur, it doesn’t really matter what title that you hold, anything is possible.  Let go of the pride and handle your business.  I’ve heard once that there are times in life where you are the one who needs to be helped and other times you will be the helper.  Don’t assume that just because you need help at one point in life that it will always be that way.  There will be an opportunity to reach back and help others just as someone is helping you.

Pray or meditate – My seldom present ex-husband and father to my son once saw fit to question my need for church and all things spiritual.  If only he knew that without much prayer and meditation, I wouldn’t have overcome our swift and emotional roller coaster relationship.  Had it not been for me finding support within a religious group, I would not be the parent that I am today.  I survived because of prayer.  Without a doubt, there will be many times that there is no one person or thing that will equip you with a way to make it through life. Stay hope filled. Remain faith filled.  Pray. Meditate. Stay calm. Remain peaceful. Falling to pieces is not an option.  The child or children often have no one other person to depend on.  Be that rock.

Stay physically fit – Maintaining a healthy lifestyle, if only a little bit, is important for a reason that many don’t think of – staying physically fit helps you always be stronger than your child.  I’m a five foot mid-thirties woman with a nine year old son who is less than a foot shorter than me.  It’s without a doubt he will tower over me soon.  I take great pride right now that I am stronger than he is – my phrase to him is always that “I will always win and I will always be stronger.”  It’s really a funny thing, but he believes it.  Therefore the older he gets, no matter what, I will always be stronger!  Presently I am stronger.  I can overpower him in arm wrestling or any fun sport using strength.  While this is the fun reason to remain fit, there are serious reasons to remain physically fit.  Maintaining your health is important for several reasons, it helps prevent most illnesses, it helps maintain strength for moving heavy items in the home, and it sets an example for your child to follow.  Sick days at work must be reserved for the child(ren), keeping yourself from getting sick is paramount.  Moving – I’m an expert at it.  No one likes to move and not many will lend a helping hand to move physical items.  If you are fit, you can do it yourself!  I’ve found the more I exercise and show my son, the more he keeps an interest in doing the same.  Be the example for your child to follow now and in the future.  I’m no workout fanatic, but I keep myself together and my son is well aware of the good and bad when it comes to health.

Keep resume updated – You could lose your job tomorrow!  Keep the resume and references in check.  I’ve learned this the hard way.  Recently, I’ve also witnessed others experience this unexpected event.  Losing a job can come within the blink of an eye.  Make sure you are well prepared with a good resume and job skills.  The government doesn’t work for those who work steady and hard.  Do not assume that because you are a parent who has worked for numerous amount of years, that there is some person or governmental agency that will get your through this.

Learn to cook – It’s cheaper.  Period.  There is no reason to go out and waste money on a $10 a day fast food meal.  The same amount of money you spend on one meal at a restaurant, you can spend in a grocery store and it will last you an entire week.  Be smart.  Learn to cook – nothing fancy.

Have patience – Have patience with the child. Have patience with the cycles of life that you will encounter alone.  Relax and have patience.

Remember that your child is NOT you – I admit that this is truly one of the hardest lessons for me.  In school, I was mostly quiet and participated in just about all extracurricular activities (minus sports) available to me.  The only subject in school that I ever had problems with was Math.  I look forward to going to school.  My son is almost the exact opposite.  I’ve stressed many nights over who my son has evolved to be.  In the beginning of grade school, he was quiet, sweet, and loved to read.  Presently, he hates to read and hates school.  He isn’t into sports and is very particular about participating in student clubs.  One of my closest friends, also a single mother, makes sure to remind me often that my son is just not me.  No matter what you teach your child – no matter what you expose your child to – the child is not you.  Your child is an individual.  Do not attempt to morph your child into a person they are not.  Allow them to develop their interest.  We are parents who are here to guide the lives of our children.  We are not Scientists developing an experimental person.  Release the stress and just let your child develop into the most positive and productive person possible.

Be resourceful – Surround yourself by people who know how to find a bargain.  Surround yourself around people who know how to recreate everyday items.  Surround yourself around people who are looking to grow and learn new things.  Research inexpensive family activities.  Research scholarships for camps and sports. Keep an open mind.  Don’t get caught up in marching out to shop at the mall.  Be creative. Check for all items you are seeking via friends, online, and discount stores.  Recreate. Recycle. Be resourceful.  It will get you much more than you can imagine while sticking to a budget.  Maintaining a budget falls under this as well.  I’ve been donated items.  I’ve sold items.  A bookcase has been a TV stand.  A TV stand has served as my son’s clothing drawers.  I don’t stick to the normal use of most things. Learn how to fix things. Learn how to fix small items on your car. Be Ms. Fix it. Ms. Replace it. Ms. Everything. Be resourceful.

No one lives your life, but you.   This life as a single parent is one based on survival.  There is no other single word best fitting for what you encounter.  Women become single parents by choice and by uncontrolled circumstances.  It’s trivial to focus on what led to becoming a single mother.  The most important thing to focus on his how to survive and get these children out of the DOOR!  I’m counting down.  What about you?  

I will SURVIVE.

Value

Value
The value of a person.
Worth
The value of the differences of people. 
Importance

As a parent there are many lessons to provide your child. So many that it's most likely one can miss a lesson or 20. As my son is venturing into puberty stage and developing friends with those who are likely to make great impact on his life, I pay close attention to their conversations when I'm privy to ease dropping.  Yes, I'm that parent who pokes her nose in the business. I mean he is 9 years old, there is only so much privacy he is allowed when I'm in his presence.  Through his conversations and interactions with friends I remind him and his friends that while they are friends because they have something in common, they are different in more ways than race. I teach them while they are different, they must respect each other's differences.  They must value the difference because as friends that's just how a good friendship is developed.  According to who? I'm not sure, but according to me - this ordinary person - I find that people work better together if they accept the worth, value, and importance of the differences of those around them. 

 I've associated with people from different countries, cultural backgrounds, socioeconomic backgrounds, races, religions and the list goes on.  What I realize is that is if we find an ounce of value in the difference of people versus picking them apart - versus teasing them and saying why their differences are inferior, we can all smile a little bit more. Who really smiles when someone is picking them to pieces about their interest?

My son, his classmates and friends find ways to pick at each other based on who likes different games, sports, or school subject matters. If you sit and listen to children of all ages, you hear their juvenile reasons to pick apart one another.  Sometimes it falls into that bully category and sometimes it's just that harmless taunting that children, especially boys do.  One person always wants to be better than the other person.  Where does it get them in their conversation? No place, but an angry place.  Who wants to be in an angry or irritated place?  It can be funny to taunt someone who is scared of the dark, but it won't be funny if that person lands a punch in the face for bringing out their difference.  What I teach my son and his friends is that while they are different, there is no reason to tease one another based on their differences. Lift one another up.  As the saying goes, "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family." Therefore if you choose someone to be in your circle of friends, lift them up differences and all.  Life throws us enough that keeps us down or tears us up, that there is no need to have a chosen friend assist in more degrading.

As children have such juvenile conversations, I have realized that adults do just the same thing.  Yes, we do. I dissect conversations I have with adults. We pick apart people based on weight, race, finances, hair, geographical location, education, or religion.  We tear one another to shreds. I can admit that I will shred a man to pieces in a heartbeat. I've realized a pattern in myself and friends that in dating we will pick out all of the differences of a man. I mean every single difference, from character flaws to watching sports. Why can't we seem to follow the teachings that I share with my son?  Why don't we accept the differences and simply embrace them?  I don't know why we do that, but I'm going to work on refraining from such behavior.  The attitude that I teach and the attitude that I portray have been less than equal.  The quest to remain positive lives on - I will work on not tearing down others.  It's been said that we find the things in others that we don't like about ourselves.  While that can be true in some aspects, it doesn't apply to this situation because I'm more so speaking of those differences in interests.  I challenge those who read to embrace the differences of others.  Find the similarities and things you love about others and lift them up.  The differences in people are what make them valuable.  What worth would a person have in your life if they are only bringing to the table the exact same things you already have in stock.

Perspective

Perspective on life is shaped by the events in life we encounter. Is that my perspective or truth? Life according to me - there is no way to fully grasp a situation unless you have experienced it. There isn't a book or a personal encounter that can truly make you understand the perspective of a person.

"I'm going to stay awake so that I know what it feels like to be you." My son uttered those words to me one late night. We had been up since 7:00 a.m. and it's then 1:00 a.m. that late night, early morning he shared that statement.  There are times that I work with my family and we work until late hours.  Following those late hours, I drive sometimes more than two hours back home from work. 
On a recent trip home, my son told me he wasn't going to get comfortable and go to sleep. He wanted to stay awake to see exactly what it's like to be a me.  It's a perceptive thought coming from a child.  It's especially perceptive and thoughtful when most adults could care less how it feels to stay up overnight working and driving. As adults, we often time think we know it all and have a view point on everything even without having experienced it.

What I took from that moment was not only pride that I have a child who actually cared what it was like to be me.  I'm not sure if it's my child rearing or his natural thought process, but whatever it was, I smiled at the thought.  If more people would take the chance to sit in another person's shoes to gain their perspective on life, would it make a bit of difference in how we live our lives?  Would it make a difference in how we treat people?  I'd like to think so. 

My son made it an hour into the 2.5 hour drive, but the next day he was much more aware of what it could have been like to be me.  The next day, he was able to verbalize how tired he was and how even the sleep he got in the car wasn't enough.  Based on his little experiment in the car, he now has a new view - new frame of reference.  

As I referenced in my last blog post, I'm experiencing unemployment.  I have a new standpoint on how to survive.  As October approaches, if I don't have full-time employment, I will then have another frame of reference - one that I fear to experience. Once this period of my life is over, my perspective on life will change.  That's without a doubt. 

I've always had issue with people who interject their perspective into situations in which they have not experienced.  I do believe that each person has a right to their own stand point because it's unique and based on their life.  There is no right or wrong in most life situations - there is only perspective. 
Would any of you like to stay awake to see what it's like to be me? Any takers? I'd switch today unless you are seriously ill. (LOL)

Respect the perspective.  

Strength

For a week now I've experienced another side of life. I'm out and about among the more wealthy people who are shopping and running errands. My attire for the day often involves a T-shirt and cap often sported by stay-at-home parents. A whole week experiencing this peaceful side of life. It's amazingly peaceful considering I'm actually enjoying this time caused by a separation of employment. 

This part of my life is certainly presented a struggle. From struggle I've read and been told produces great strength.  I'm tired of testing my strength. As my mother likes to tell me about my physical strength - I'm as strong as a bull. My mental strength is reaching that point as well. Therefore why am I presented with such struggles? Often times as humans we question...why why why.  Depending on your belief, there are varying reasons why certain things happen in life. However the bottom line is always that every situation happens for a purpose.

As soon as I find out the purpose of being presented with the possibility of homelessness, I will be certain to find a computer to blog to the world what the purpose of this event turned out to be.  As a single person with no children, this idea of not having rent, car note, and other essentials bills may sound like a breath of fresh air - for me, a single mother of one, this is a quite scary event. While I mentally know that my situation is fragile, somehow my body is responding to it differently. I've not shed many tears over this situation. I've not packed an item in my apartment yet. I'm in this adrenaline survival phase right now. Something just has to change within the next couple of weeks - it just must!

There is a positive in this new struggle, right? There must be. Oh yeah, I'm strong. Ha. To a weak person, I suppose it must be exciting - exciting to see that someone does know how to survive in times of strife and struggle.  Oh wait, I just figured out a positive side for me. I have an attractive positive trait to present to prospective mates. If I ever get married again, my husband won't have to worry about his wife being a shopaholic nor will have to worry about how I'll handle challenging situations. Wait, one better. My son will always be able to say that he was not raised by a weak woman therefore he shall not be weak or surround himself by weakness.  Whew, just when I thought there was no positive light to this, I found a couple.  As I usually challenge in my scarce writings - I challenge all to find a positive point in all times. There is always a positive point, we just have to see it and focus on it. What's your struggle? Find your strength in your struggle. 

Opportunity

Opportunity. 

The right time.

Lucky chance.

Possibility.

Opportunities present themselves in many ways and none should be taken for granted. 

Met someone new, get to know them.

Want to take a trip, take it.

Got a call for an interview, go to it.

Whatever the opportunity is that is presented to me from this point out - I'm taking it. In the most recent months since my last post, I've gone from stomach cramps daily due to stress to just living a little carefree. I'm not losing out on any further opportunity to get to know someone because you never know what part they play in your life. I don't mean someone for dating purposes - I'm referring to any new person who walks into your life. If someone in your life plans a trip, take it. No questions. Just go. Love or hate your current employment and get a random call for a job interview, take it. Perhaps that leads you to some outstanding opportunity that you could never imagine. It's all about the right time, the lucky chance and the possibility that there is a purpose in the person or event.

As usual, my postings are a reflection of a life event of my own or someone close to me. Well, this message today is a mixture. 

Most people who get to know me well - like me. It's a blessing and a curse, but I enjoy getting to know people. I truly hold no judgment as to the type of person that I'm getting to know, I just get to know them. While I don't digest each person and add them to a close friend, I do find it enjoyable to learn about people and a variety of thought processes or ways of life. At times this part of me can be overwhelming with some not so cool people, but overall, I've met and made friends with some pretty nice people. One in particular -we attended school together most of our lives, but only became friends within the past seven years. In one night she went from being workout queen to laying in hospital bed starting life from scratch - learning how to walk all over again. A stroke that the doctors can't explain. Before this stroke, she and I would joke about our life stresses and the damage that it was doing to us, but now all things considered - we shouldn't have been thinking about it all so hard.  Now we share messages of inspiration instead of strife. From her, I've truly learned to take it easy these days. I'm taking the opportunity to live without restriction and to have faith that all things will work out. So far things are going pretty well. I'm still not financially wealthy. I still don't own a home. I still can't go shopping. I'm still a single parent. I'm still on the fence about this career thing. I still can find a million and one frivolous things to stress about. Those daily pesky things most people won't admit to stressing about.  However I"m taking the opportunity to no longer allow the pesky things take the opportunity to win over my life.

Just before my girlfriend fell ill and now after - I've had some fulfilling events happen. I think that I owe it all to taking the opportunity to truly live - live without restrictions. New people have come into my life and enriched it while the old people have revived my life.

So if at this moment, you should be taking the opportunity to be as still as the leaves on a tree during a calm night or as wild as rough seas before a storm - seize the moment. Take the opportunity. There is no reason to fear. There is no reason to doubt. Have faith. If you believe it - it will be.

Sacrifice

This weekend, my son wanted to go to an audition of some sort for commercials. Sounds good except my son is knowingly shy. He is that kid who will rehearse for a play, get up on stage and freeze. He has done it before which is why I toggled with this new idea of his. I thought to myself, perhaps he was coming out of his shy shell. So, as a loving parent, I talked with him about this idea and he still chose to go full force ahead. It only cost me a new outfit for him.

There he was, dressed as one of the cutest kids. He looked as if he belonged in a Polo ad. I don't say that because he is my son, but seriously he was dressed very well and fit the part. He is rehearsing his line with me while being his usual silly self. We get up to the table, with the one man sitting there at the table. My son is asked to repeat his part and he stands there like a cat and a dog pulled out his tongue! I refrain myself from scolding him and attempt to assist in getting him to come out of his shell. He tried three times, but wasn't too successful at completing the task.

My life as a parent - a single parent - often times my family events look much like an episode of the 80's sitcom, The Cosby Show. We may be without the remarkable careers, but certainly the family events turn out just as on that show. I recall episodes that the father on the show would review with the children all of the things they asked to try out and quit. He would point out the money or time spent on something their children begged to try, but didn't complete. My son is nine and I can already identify with those episodes. We've done most things - T-ball, football, basketball, tennis, and now acting has landed on the list. I can't say that I've been jovial about all of these tries my son has asked to partake in, but as a parent I realize that is is all part of the sacrifice. This is all a part of the role. I sacrifice my time and money. I give it up all for him. I've given up practically my life as a whole for him.

This latest event put me in a place to sit back and look at the lesson. Becoming an actor or model may be something he truly wants, but perhaps now isn't the time perhaps it never will be his time. This may not be his "thing" in life. Instead of being upset with him about not speaking up when spoken to, I had to make him realize that at least he tried. Also to know that this thing he seems to be interested in will require more work on is part or a realization that maybe acting just isn't something for him. He must keep going in life until he finds that thing he loves and is great at doing. Sounds familiar even as an adult.

As a parent or even as a spouse, there is sacrifice and selflessness that must be a part of the relationship. To some this type of thing may come easy. While for others, this is a work in progress to accomplish. To give of oneself takes hard work and courage. Some people won't admit it, but it is a fact that I identify with. Every year on Mother's Day - I go back and forth between happiness and out right depression. Every year I recognize that this is not the life that I ever imagined - being a single mother. Every year I recognize that I've sacrificed myself for my son. The sacrificing part makes me happy to know that I'm giving of myself for him. I know that no one in his life besides me will do such and I'm lucky to have him. To be a blessing to him is certainly a bigger blessing than any other. 

Attention

This past weekend, I cleaned the floors of my mother’s house on my hands and knees. It was an old school, deep south style cleaning going on in her house this weekend.  Cleaning that was long overdue.

Sounds like a pretty nice gesture, right?

Well, I was not doing it for fun nor was I really doing it for her. I was doing it because my prized possession person, my son was going to be staying with her for a longer than normal visit. It was my goal to make him feel comfortable and at home, minus some dust and dirt particles in the living quarters that would be harmful to his allergies. Don’t be so quick to judge me considering he is a boy and should be accustomed to such – you haven’t seen the living quarters.

I spent a weekend there to clean and cook for him. I was doing it all for him and to make me feel comfortable about this visit he requested.

In life, I know that we all set out with these goals, planning and preparing. We perpetually do things in life to prepare for one thing or another.  However as we live and learn daily, we find that what we set out in a plan and expect to learn, we learn something entirely different. The outcome is not expected.

While I spent those days cleaning, the person who benefited most from those days was who? My mother.  Notice I said benefited from the days spent and not the cleaning being done.  She does not get many extended visits from her daughters.  She let me know in her seldom subtle statements, that her greatest gift was having me and my son with her for the time that we were there.

I set out selfishly for the betterment of myself and my son, there was a greater purpose in the weekend cleaning. A gift that can’t be purchased – the most priceless gift of time.

Go about life with two realizations – don’t do things with only self in mind. Pay attention to your actions, it is certain that it is done more often than not. There is likely someone else among you that is seeking to receive or learn something from you. It is certainly a blessing to be a blessing.  Secondly, plan, prepare, clean, and dust – do what you like, but life will always present you with a greater lesson if you PAY ATTENTION. 

Battle

There haven't been any battles won by an individual. I'm no historian or history buff, but I'm just about positive that there aren't any wars or battles fought alone. If there is one, please list it in my comment section.

Battles or wars normally consist of a leader and an army of people behind or along side them to go forward.

Life is full of battles - struggle.

Are you fighting it alone? Are you allowing a friend or family member fight it alone? If you are in fact allowing someone in your life struggle or fight a battle they are at war with alone, then you must not love them. Perhaps you are seeking out for them to lose a fight. There aren't any battles won by an individual. Don't go forth allowing someone you know fight a battle alone.  The flip side to this thing is that while you shouldn't allow others to battle struggles alone, you too shouldn't attempt such a feat alone.

What is it that you are struggling with? Finances? Career decision? Family decision? Car decision? Clothing decision? If it a big struggle or a little one, don't go it alone. Someone in your life may be willing to be that army to proceed full force ahead into battle. Don't turn down those who are enlisting themselves into your army of life. Welcome them with open arms.

I speak to this coming from both sides - I think.  Early in life I had a hard time accepting others into my army. There are still  moments that I would just rather go it alone. However during a Sunday morning church service, the message was that we shouldn't go it alone without God. I thought that is very true. No one goes into battle alone - so be it God or someone who God put here for us, we shouldn't be battling this thing called life alone. My command post is currently accepting applications.

There are times that I enlist myself into the lives of others. Presently, I feel like I'm not in enough armies, but none the less, I do work to participate in helping others with this struggle we call life. Are you accepting applications? I would apply. The army going into war can never be too large.

Now forward march! The battle is on!

21 Days

21 days...

Myth

Perfection

Renewal

Destruction

Divine

Termination

Harmony

End

Creation

Excellence

21 days...

Twenty-one days, defined and studied by Christians, Psychologists, and Numerologists all to mean very different things as referenced above. What do you believe? The only way to truly know is to work through 21 days of something. This is not something that you can read and decide for yourself - try it.  Do something different. 

I started out doing something different for 21 days - I planned to go without bread, sugar, rice, and oil.  I made it just about to the end, but fell off due to celebratory events. None the less, I did something different for about 18 straight days. Did I lose a pound, no.  Did I gain a pound, no. Did I gain confidence in myself, yes.  Do I feel better, yes. Perhaps in the 21 days of restraint and my already daily prayers was synonymous with the Biblical Fast and Prayer which is why I gained a greater lesson during the 21 days. (Note: A prayer has been answered during the 21 days although my intent was not to fast and pray for it.) 

Sometimes the thing that you set out to learn from doing something is not what is in store to learn. My hope was to lose a pound or two, instead I gained something greater - a stronger will. One that I often negated as possible.  My next adventure 1-hour of cardio exercise daily for 21 days. No breaks. Healthy? Nope. What is truly healthy these days?  Let's just see what I learn from this...stay tuned.

Regardless of the lesson outcome, my point is to try something different and learn something from it. Trying something new - something different doesn't always mean to go parachute out of plane. Sometimes trying something different means to just take a few baby steps outside of the baby walker we call our daily lives. Try it - 21 days of doing or not doing something - you never know what you might discover.

Oh the places...

The places we find ourselves, we often question. Sometimes it's fate. Sometimes it's God. Sometimes it's some form of other divine intervention. Sometimes it just is what it is. You are in the place for a reason.

Funny, I've lamented over this issue for sometime. Today, I had a pleasant conversation with someone I call my counselor - objective in nature and new to this place in life that I've found myself. This place my counselor so peacefully told me is my CANVAS. The place that I find myself is the canvas in which I am painting a picture that is not yet done. It's actually blank right now. As I stroke the keys of this keyboard, the first strike of paint has hit the canvas.

Let's paint this canvas a little more...

Where have I been? It's been three months since I've met with my thoughts in writing. There has been one recurring topic of my thoughts in these months. Why am I in this place? This place being physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm in this place for one pure reason as it's a step in this process of life. I've been removed from all things and people of distraction, left with one person - my son. While I tackle life daily with the next step to get us to the next level - the one most important thing that I see is that I'm in this place to focus on him. Not to push aside those things which need to be developing inside myself, but to know that there is positive in a place of distress.

In life we often seek for something more or something different. Why? I'm sure if I researched there would be studies galore as to why the human mind does certain things. Perhaps it is simply that the answer is right in front of our face. I am where I am in this place because it is fitting for me to be a better parent and person. What about you? It is likely that you too are where you are because it is just where you are supposed to be. Period. You are in your place to be a better person or that person that you envision yourself to be.


*This is a topic I'm sure that I've spoken about over time in this blog, but it's always good to refresh your thoughts. Fresh topics in months to come! 

NOVEMBER FIFTH

Where do you write your blog posts?

I write them in my head. No, seriously I do. I can write really well in my thoughts. My writing space is the space that I'm in. It is often times at night, but can enter into my thoughts any place. I don't have one spot in which my muse hits me - when life happens, my muse happens. These days I input my thoughts - my meanderings onto this blog mostly while visiting a local public library. At one time, it was the comfort of my home when all was still and quiet in the late night hours. This new experience - the library has presented some fanciful characters so I must admit it isn't the worst place to be typing in my information. I love people. They make me smile and piss me off at the same darn time. The library is the perfect place to people watch - make characters. Try it. 

NOVEMBER FOURTH

Oops, of course I neglected to check in on a Monday...So, Monday's prompt -

Who is your favorite character? 

I am character enough for myself, any book or movie. I am my favorite character. I do suppose that I should elaborate a little on that one. I am my favorite character because I've experienced some hilarious, sorrowful, fun, dangerous, and blessed experiences. I don't think that you could write this story any better. I'm not at a place yet that I'm willing to share all my experiences  because oh my - Good Girls Never Tell. While many times I wallow in some of my most sorrowful moments, I embrace the character that I am. I embrace all emotions that come along with life. There is rarely a time that I am only engulfed in one emotion or episode in life - that alone makes me some kind of character. Again, one of the best ones out there.

Celebrate

Real quick - Celebrate for just no reason!

This weekend my son and I were talking about how he wants to celebrate his upcoming birthday. We came up with ideas and a guest list. Soon after we finished, he says "we need to celebrate us." My response was why do we need a celebration because we spend everyday together - more than the average family. He didn't care about any of that. He just said that we just need to celebrate us - just because.

So why not just celebrate us? Let's have a party just to celebrate - no birthday, no anniversary - no achievement - just celebrate. Do we really need a reason to celebrate? Do you celebrate your spouse or child just because? I think we should. That's a great idea. Celebrate life itself. His idea made me think that we should go all out not just for the special moments but regularly. It is fun to have a party so imagine having a party on a regular basis.

This is just a quick Sunday reminder to remember celebrate! Go treat yourself to whatever it is that makes you happy!

NOVEMBER FIRST

THIS MONTH, IT IS MY GOAL TO BLOG EVERY WEEKDAY. I have used one of the writer's projects going on to motivate me and keep me writing. This project gives prompts to write from. I've never used prompts, but hey it's worth a try. Something new. (Forgive this for being some days after the first, but I encountered computer problems)

If you found one million dolalrs in the morning and had to spend it by nightfall, what would you do
with the money?

Now upon first thought of this topic, my list started out a little selfish. I challenge you to consider this topic just for the heck of it. It's sort of a self check if you need one.

My list went something to the tune of purchasing a fully furnished home for myself. Renovation of my mother's childhood home. A wardrobe of clothing for my son and myself.  A seven-day vacation to Disney World. Purchases for a family in need. Wow, this would be one busy day, but I know it could be done. Flash money in front of people and they move quickly. Ha. While I do consider others in this fantasy thought. These are selfish thoughts. Don't get me wrong, the items I've listed here are great needs for my family that aren't presently feasible.  Things that most people who are able to have or do take for granted.

I sat with this topic for the day and by the end of the day,  my ideas changed a little. While I would still do those purchases, I would like to purchase or put up some money for the start of a girl's help program. One might think since I'm the mother of a son that I would be reaching out to that population. However I'm a woman and I know the plight and celebration of being a young girl. With such funds, I would love to develop a program that teaches young girls the basics that in turn develop outstanding young women. Having worked with girls in some form for many years, I know first hand that some of the most basic situations need to be addressed with young girls. Many are missing some key components. So hey if myself and a team could work together on this, we could change a generation - male and female. I do believe if you change one, it effects the other. If young girls learn more of key essentials, boys would follow suite in some form.

So what would you do? Please share via here or any other social media. I challenge you to first think right off the top of your head in the morning and then think about it until the evening. See how it changes. I'm sure it will.

Faith

Faith is defined as a STRONG belief in something or someone - in GOD.

A friend of mine recently asked me if I regret making a recent transition in my life. My response to her was of course I regret sometimes however my faith in God tells me that He makes no mistakes. There is no regret in what God gives. Without moving forward in faith, I would not have grown.  I would not have some of the knowledge that I have. Without change there is no growth. With my faith in God, I grow. With my faith, I know the trials and triumphs given to me by God are what make me who I am. It is what makes all of us who we are.

Have you prayed about it? If yes, why worry about it? Those are not words spoken to me by an adult. Those were words of my son. In our conversations, he is the one who reminds me that faith is greater than anything. If faith is present - there is no purpose for worry. It's as if it is a math problem where one word negates the other.

While my messages lately have been non-existent and this one brief - know that God is with me presently as I go through another growth transition. I have faith that soon this thing I'm going through will have me back on this blog regularly. It is certain that there are lessons I will have learned. Stories I will have to tell.

As a curriculum in schools change - now is time for you all to change your curriculum in life. The new math equation is Faith + Trials = No Worry. There is no other way to calculate it. Faith must always be first in the equation. Following that it can be anything - a divorce, a lay off, a death, a sickness, a financial setback - what it equals to is no worries or regret!

LEGACY

Legacy. 

Heritage. 

Inheritance. 

Something handed down from an ancestor.

What is your legacy? What legacy will you leave?

Recently I read an article that will soon be published about my paternal Grandmother. She was a piece of history in the mid 1930's. An African-American woman born to a native West African man and native Maine woman, my Grandmother was the first African-American graduate of a Massachusetts High School. She went on to study at a prestigious African-American School, Fisk University and graduated in 1942. My legacy. She would go on to marry a college educated man - an Alabama Pharmacist. Simply amazing in the 1940's for African-Americans to achieve such goals. They weren't alone. My maternal Grandparents as well, both completed college and graduate degrees. My maternal Grandfather had to drive from Louisiana to California to achieve such. 

My legacy.

When I speak of my life as a failure, I don't measure it up against my peers, I measure it up against my ancestors. These four individuals received college degrees, obtained professional careers, helped others (including children and disadvantaged groups)and raised children. Those accomplishments came when they were up against a world of people just because of the color of their skin. Based on history, I can only imagine the people and obstacles they met in order to achieve the things that they achieved. Did they complain? I will never know. Did they make it above all obstacles - yes, because I am their descendant. Did they leave a legacy for their children and grandchildren to follow - yes.

Have I lived up to their legacy. No.

I've obtained my degree plus a few more years of higher education. I've published news articles in three different states' newspapers. I've helped children and the disadvantaged. Yet, I sit behind a desk most of my day twiddling my thumbs. Spending my days thinking about the obstacles I have before me. Single parent. Low cash flow. Undesirable location. Female. African-American. No connections to powerful people. No chances. Searching and not finding the right position in life. How dare I sit there and ponder the thoughts. I'm up against myself, yet my Grandparents were up against wars and physical roadblocks. Their lives were likely on the line many of times as they traveled to get to their goal of simply attending a college course. 

My legacy. 

Amazing. 

Powerful. 

Motivating. 

Captivating. 

Newsworthy. 

History.

What is your legacy? 

As I always say, I'm no psychologist or expert on life - I'm just an ordinary person. While I'm no expert, I do believe whatever your legacy is - it is worthy of reflecting on. It is worthy of building on. It is worthy. If your legacy looks like mine - don't waste it. If your legacy is the opposite - create a greater legacy for your children and grandchildren to inherit. As for me, I'm speaking my greatness into existence. 

I'm alive. 

I have life left and I'm going to leave a continued legacy for my descendants.  My name may not be on a building or a street sign, but I will leave a legacy. 

Go do the same. 

No complaints. 

No worries. 

Just build.

Worthy Note: My parents were pretty amazing people too. Civil Rights era history makers themselves.

Mother and Father

     Have you ever celebrated anyone else’s birthday like it was your own?  How did that go?  When you showed the waitress your ID for the free dessert, did they give it to you even though your ID showed April is your birthday and it is June? The likely answer is no. 

     Why is it that those who don’t parent children feel the need to celebrate a Mother’s or Father’s Day? For the woman who gave birth to a child, but left the child on a door step for someone else to raise – there is no celebration for you. Nope, you don’t get a Mother’s Day celebration. You don’t get even get a hand clap.  For the man who provided his sperm to conceive a child, but left it for someone else to raise – there is no celebration for you.  Nope, you don’t get a Father’s Day celebration.  You don’t even get a hand clap.

     On this year’s Father’s Day, I have noticed men standing up and speaking out as to why women choose to bash men who are not caring for their children.  While I am sure there are some women out there saying some less than favorable things about the men they chose to sleep with – there are men and women who have a different understanding aside from bashing a person.  Here is my understanding.  I can speak from my experience – I have professionally worked in a field where I would see daily men and women who drop off some cash and believe that is their only duty.  Then on a weekend like this weekend, they are out there cooking and celebrating because they are such good fathers or mothers – they paid their dues. Meanwhile their child is somewhere wondering where they are. 

      If you can remove the relationship of the two people who conceived the child and focus just on the    child(ren) in these situations – weekends like Father’s Day and Mother’s Day can be sad occasions.  Regardless of which adult should have known better before sleeping with someone or not – an adult is an adult and should take on the responsibility they were blessed with.  Only when you have successfully completed a task should you be celebrating.  I truly do hope that my ex-husband, my son’s father, is not some place celebrating. Maybe he is because he chose to father his daughter over my son. Meanwhile my son is over here crying because he won’t return phone calls. My son is learning a lesson early on that he must be a better man than his father – the sperm donor.  As I’ve read some place recently that some women have guilt or take the responsibility for choosing the father.  At my graceful age of 35, I am very much beyond that stage in my life. I know that going into my relationship with this man, things were a little bit different in the beginning than what they turned out to be. No accident here – there was a plan. I don’t spend a second degrading this man for his no-show attitude – no need to.  I spend every second trying to mend and nurture my son.  That is what all parents of a motherless or fatherless child should be doing. No apologies needed – just an explanation of life and responsibilities. No degradation – only uplifting.  However I will not build this man up in any fashion as he is busy tearing down a child with his absence.

     On this day, I will shout to the mountain tops – HAPPY FATHER’S DAY only to those men who are actively involved in the lives of children.  I am not bashing or demeaning.  If one thinks that someone like me is, then you clearly have not been raised in or involved in a fatherless or motherless environment. On Mother’s Day, I only feel women who are actually nurturing and actively involved in their child’s life should be celebrating.  It is a two edged sword.  Why would you celebrate a day if it doesn’t pertain to you?  I will start celebrating all my friends and family’s birthdays as they were my own – telling the world it is my birthday when in actuality it isn’t.  Let’s see how that works for me.

     As this is a controversial topic - I don't care how anyone feels about my thoughts. It is one subject that not one human being can change my outlook on.  What I would like to do is encourage others to involve themselves in the lives of children who are without a parent or parents.  If you are one who doesn't have a relationship with your child - reinvent one! There is no day like the present and no better present than presence. 

     Days like Mother's and Father's Day are like living a bad dream all day.  It is a day filled with commercials, movies, shows, and praises of someone that child is missing. I would never have realized a day like this to be one of such bitter sweetness until now.  Life is so full of lessons. We must all be open to lessons found in every second of our lives.

Flaws

"I am just sitting here listening - waiting to see what is going to happen next. I mean every time we have someone over, you end up sleeping with them."


Those were the words from a wife to a husband. As I sat there, hands wet from barbecue, and these are the words shared with me. Wow! I was speechless. As it was an old friend, I did interject with disappointment. Followed by that was an assurance that this visitor was not going to be caught in this love triangle.

Caught in the middle of a domestic dispute was not how I planned my Saturday night. All is well, the three of us had some great conversation. After all, we all have something - alcoholism, incarceration, anxiety, depression, shopping. We all have some issue about ourselves that makes us flawed.

The issue isn't the flaw. The issue is - Are you willing to work on correcting that flaw? Followed by correcting one flaw, it is possible that another flaw will show up and show out. Even considering that, we should work on flaws and not work on adding more flaws.

In its rocky state, this couple's marriage seems to have some flaws. Working on it they have, but each time there is some flaw that still appears. My prayers are with them. At the end of the night, it was a pleasure talking with them. Glad to make it clear that while we all have flaws to work on, I will not be one of those flaws in their marriage that they need to work on. 

What are your flaws, imperfections? Work on them, don't add to them!

Responsibility. Accountability.

Responsibility, the quality of being or state of being responsible. Moral Accountability.

Accountability, the willingness to accept responsibility.

My son sometimes requests for his daddy. "I wish my daddy was here," he says. Little does he know, just a couple of months ago his daddy felt it was his responsibility to call and tell me that I didn't have to worry about hearing from him again.

My story is not unique. I am not alone. I know that. I am a product of  fallen and unbalanced society. A society that values little of family and more of foolishness.  A society that lacks the understanding of accountability and responsibility. A society that is unnatural. One where parents are raising children alone - mothers and fathers. As I live it daily, I know that it is not natural.  I am forever responsible and accountable for my son, my love.

I play so many roles in one day - in one hour sometimes. It's growing me tired - weary. Each day I don't know how I make it, but I make it.  

Again, not unique.

Not different. 

I am just one - one single mother with one child. 

My plight may be little to some.

I weep for my son as due to one person's lack of responsibility and accountability, he will never know what it is like to have a man's foot steps to follow. I don't speak pessimistic thoughts, but I speak truth. I speak what has been presented to me. I am now responsible and accountable for making sure that my son understands the importance of being responsible and accountable for every action that is placed before him.

What is your moral responsibility? 

Is it to your parents? 

Is it to your child?

 Is it your community?

We are all accountable for something. 

Whatever it is, make it your responsibility to nurture it.

Complaining

Have you ever felt like you wanted to hurt your child or spouse? I mean seriously. Sometimes they push buttons. Recently a minister of a church asked a similar question. As many parents, I am able to admit that yes, sometimes my son drives me nuts! I am certain a spouse can do the same thing.

Well, even as the children and spouses upset us, we still carry on living life and doing what we should in a family. As a parent and spouse, clothes are washed, clothes are ironed, and money is sometimes exchanged. All these luxuries of having someone to help.  Then one day the one thing you asked that child or spouse to do, they don't. You asked that child to clean up their room, but it's a mess. You asked the spouse to stop and get milk. Then he or she comes home empty-handed. One thing. You only asked for one thing. Well...

I'm going to get real spiritual right this moment...

You only asked for one thing.

So does God. 

He has asked for one thing! Can you imagine how He feels when you complain? All that He has done. As a Christian, it is only required of you to be a good person, honor God, follow some rules. Are you aware that you WOKE up this morning? You have likely been blessed with material items like clothes, food, a car, and a home. If you are reading this, you were certainly blessed with LIFE itself. Yet you find time to COMPLAIN. What is there to complain about? Imagine how you felt when your child or spouse made you feel - unappreciated. Often times you - I know I do feel like I'm not appreciated for all that I do. All that I help with. All the self-less acts.  Then it is that one time I ask for something - I feel like all that I did was in vein. All that I said, all that I helped with went unnoticed. 

Yes, life is about doing things that should go unnoticed, but why should what God has done for us go unnoticed?  Why are we trivializing life? Why are we complaining about the not-so-cool job? Why are we complaining about not having those new shoes? Why are we complaining about anything?!

Someone asked me what I gave up for lent - my response was excuses.  Excuses to not do anything I need to do. Well, after looking at life in the manner the minister explained, I have to add complaining. I am not only going to give up complaining for lent - I am giving it up period! I'm living life with no excuses and no complaining. What about you?